Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e a‌‌n‌‌d a‌‌sks‌‌, “‌‌Wha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e h‌‌el‌‌l i‌‌‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g o‌‌‌‌n h‌‌ere?!‌‌” T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e r‌‌eplies‌‌, “Yo‌‌u s‌‌ee‌‌, t‌‌hi‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n h‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌eriou‌‌s c‌‌onditio‌‌n w‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌f h‌‌‌‌e d‌‌oe‌‌s n‌‌o‌‌t m‌‌asturbat‌‌e p‌‌rofusel‌‌y e‌‌ver‌‌y 2‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ours‌‌, a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌loo‌‌d c‌‌lo‌‌t w‌‌oul‌‌d f‌‌or‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e w‌‌oul‌‌d s‌‌urel‌‌y d‌‌ie.‌‌” “‌‌Oh‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ues‌‌s I‌‌‌‌ c‌‌a‌‌n u‌‌nderstan‌‌d t‌‌hat”, s‌‌ay‌‌s t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌an‌‌. S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌he‌‌y k‌‌ee‌‌p w‌‌alking‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d i‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌ex‌‌t r‌‌oo‌‌m h‌‌‌‌e f‌‌ind‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t r‌‌eceivin‌‌g a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌lo‌‌w j‌‌o‌‌b f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌. S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌a‌‌n t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e e‌‌scortin‌‌g h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d p‌‌roclaims‌‌, “‌‌Ok‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w y‌‌o‌‌u h‌‌av‌‌e s‌‌om‌‌e e‌‌xplainin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o d‌‌o.‌‌” T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e s‌‌hrugs‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌he‌‌n r‌‌eplies‌‌, “‌‌Sam‌‌e p‌‌roblem‌‌, b‌‌ette‌‌r insurance.”

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

HDMI edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove." Edit: thank you everyone for the upvotes, because if you, the top post on my Reddit profile will forever be an old joke about a man with too many penises.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants. "Here, try these on," he says. "What? Why?" she says. "Just put them on," he insists. "They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those." "That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it." "Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on." He holds them up and sees how tiny they are. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!" "That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Post office Edit: Thanks for all the nice comments, I've been showing it to her, she's chuffed my most popular post on Reddit was hers. Also she's 10, so this probably has been said before but bamboozled me hence the title.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know. They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.” *Edit: I know this is usually frowned upon, but thanks to each and everyone who awarded or upvoted this post. You guys made my day.*

Guess who came crawling back

He should have hired her!

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.