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avatar mayorodoyle 6 year.agoCarl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot." EDIT: Wow. This blew up. Thanks to everyone for their kind words and thanks to those of you who gave Gold and Silver. Frankincense and Myrrh are also accepted.

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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. So I was eating this girl out and I tasted Horse semen. Horse semen!! I looked up at here and said,” is that how you died grandma?”

2. What do you call a body positive cow?

A horse

3. What is a slave’s favorite junk food?

Cotton candy

4. How do you make a kid cry twice?

Use their teddy bear to wipe the blood off their pussy.

5. Me and R Kelly made a website

Should I call it”Kinderhub” or “Only kids”?

6. What do you use to clean black ice?

A Samboni

7. Why are genders like the twin towers?

There used to be 2 but now it’s a sensitive subject

8. What is a midgets favorite game

Mini golf

9. A Christian man was schizophrenic for as long as he remembered. He started medications and got cured.

Now he's an atheist.

10. After years and years of domestic violence in my life I realised its not right to hit a woman.

So i just pushed her down from 6th floor. kidding it was the 8th floor

11. My first ever rugby game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was fucking sore at the end, but at least my dad came...

12. KEEP IT GOIING

I love your confidence!! if I were you I wouldn't be No one is perfect!! You just proved it Great idea!! Please never think again Wow you killed it!! Now do it to yourself KEEP IT GOING

13. After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia,

she finally snapped.

14. What does Kim Kardashian's ass and the ocean have in common?

They’re both mostly plastic.

15. When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally,

he comes back with his shirt ironed.

16. What do you call a phone call from your grandpa?

Boomerang

17. What's funnier than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

18. I don't know why women say fuck you to men.

Most men want that only, why would you threaten someone by giving them something that they want.

19. whatsapp group chat reboot.anything goes (dont be a bitch)

https://chat.whatsapp.com/FPNFkjuMG8u3EcJS2DDZcy

20. My Jewish girlfriend got fired from her job because she was always getting distracted.

So I sent her to a concentration camp.

21. What do you call a group of black women?

A farmer's toolshed. (If you didn’t get it it’s because they’re hoes)

22. It’s a shame automatic rifles are banned

Now I have to pull the trigger every time I see a kid.

23. What do Californian feminists and Middle-eastern feminists have in common?

They both get stoned.

24. What’s the difference between pizza and Jews?

Pizza didn’t do 9/11

25. What does a baby look like when you hit it with a lawn mower?

I dont know-i close my eyes when I cum

26. How do you kill a Briton?

Poison his tea and hide the antidote in a tube of toothpaste.

27. Why are priests called Father?

Because it's too suspicious to call them Daddy.

28. Whats the difference between Santa clause and a jew?

Santa goes DOWN the chimney

29. Grammar.

The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

30. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead negro in the road?

The dead dog has skid marks in front of it

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