Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it." The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?" The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror,  "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!" The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!" "Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. "Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Me: I fucked your sister

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.' The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag... Edit : Thank you for the rewards and upvotes !

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer". Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Dave, is that you?".

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

Arrr Kelly!

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk. "Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar" Edit: Wow Silver and gold, thanks so much guys 😀

It's 14.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks. “I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew. The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.” “I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man. “How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent. “I already speak Russian."

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you doing?” The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.” Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?” The young man says “I’m 22, sir.” The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?” The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. ​ "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. ​ "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." ​ "How does it work?" ​ The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. ​ Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter, don't let him steer that cargo freighter, don't let him near that cargo freighter, early in the morning.

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

Then plug me back in, see if that works.

"This woman is absolutely gorgeous," thought Linda. "She's the hottest woman I've ever seen. With my luck, she's a lesbian too. I should start up a conversation." She turned to the woman and asked, "What sort of stuff do you like?" "I like plants," replied the woman. "Do you like sunflowers?" "Yes." "Do you like pine trees?" "I like them too." "Do you like pussy willow?" Suddenly, without warning, the woman tore off her bikini. Then she leapt onto Linda's towel and ripped off hers. Linda was shocked at first, but then realized that this was exactly what she had wanted. So, the two women rolled around, making passionate love, and were inevitably kicked off the beach. As Linda drove home, she thought to herself, "How did that lady know I was a lesbian?" As the other woman drove home, she thought to herself, "How did that lady know my name was Willow?"

You read the title wrong

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

So I just came in my pants.

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny's whore"

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. Edit: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger!