Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

He should have hired her!

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room... Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper. my bad pops, sorry.. *shuts the door* Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen! Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper. Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door * Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!! Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you. I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar. Edit: Thank you guys for the support. Got my first Gold!!

Being ugly every day sucks.

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

Husband: I have cheated once Wife: me too. husband: 1st of Apriii.... Wife: 18th of June

Self Harmony Edit: #10 on /r/all! And thanks for the gold kind stranger!

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear. "I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers. "Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Measles

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..." EDIT: my first gold :O Thansk!

It was the least I could do for the guy.

Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure

I told her we use names here.

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat" And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

Charizard Edit: I’m dumb, he would just roar

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."