MisterKpak 1 mon.agoA Sign above a bar says "Complete 3 tasks, win $1 Million"A man walks up to the bartender and says "Million dollars? I'm in, what do I have to do?" The bartender days "Task 1, there's a big guy at the end of the bar, he's loud and obnoxious and ruins everyone's enjoyment. I need you to go knock him out. Task 2, there is an alligator out back with an abscesses tooth. I need you to remove the tooth from that alligator. And finally, there's an 80-year-old woman upstairs that hasn't seen any...ehm...male companionship in many years. I need you to address that too. " The man says "Pour me 3 shots of tequila and I'll get it done". The bartender obliged. The man walks up to the big guy at the end of the bar, and without warning punches him square in the jaw. He falls backwards out of this stool, flayed out on the floor. After that, the man walks out the back door to go deal with the alligator, and the door closes behind him. All the bar hears is smashing, grunting, screaming, crashing, all kinds of racket. But eventually, the noise dies down. The man walks back into the bar, bleeding, limping, and with clothes torm to pieces. He goes to the bartender and says... "Alright, where's the lady with the bad tooth?"
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I chuckled, "Here, you can have this old air guitar too."
5 mph faster than Paul Walker
I bought him a new trampoline for his birthday, but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry...
From a catalog.
1_Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes 2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support. 3_What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. 4_Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. 5_What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. 6_What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon. 7_What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present. 8_How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave. 9_How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles. 10_How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up. 11_Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point. 12_Feminism 13_So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. 14_Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It's their kids who cause all the trouble. 15_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything. 16_What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery. 17_So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work. 18_Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones 19_What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. 20_What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you already done told her twice. 21_What's white on top and black on bottom? US culture 22_Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free. 23_What happened when the jew walked into the wall with a hard-on? He broke his nose. 24_How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit? Nine months. 25_How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altarboy. 26_How many Jews can you fit into a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 5,999,995 in the ashtray 27_How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch. 28_What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. 29_What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile. 30_What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period. 31_How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. 32_What's black and blue and doesn't like to have sex? The little girl in my trunk 33_How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, she just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her. 34_Girls are like blackjack… I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14. 35_Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can't do stand up. 36_Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't. 37_How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black. 38_What's 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. 39_What's the hardest part of eating bald pussy? Getting the diaper back on. 40_What's difference between dollars and Jews? I'd give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars. 41_9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape 42_What's the best part about fucking a 12 year old girl? If you flip her over it looks like her little brother 43_One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life 44_I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone. 45_What's the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber. 46_What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong. 47_Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods. 48_What's the difference between cancer and Black people? Cancer got Jobs. 49_What do Sarah Palin and Iron Man have in common? They both had a downey jr inside of them. 50_A black, a muslim and a mexican jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first. Who wins? Society.
Best goddamn pilot Saudi Arabia has ever seen
...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
The Jew, business before pleasure.
To prevent Hispanic attacks.
She kept screaming her age.
My name, my address, my phone number...
Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day. Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said, "He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."
The mediterranean sea.
His Best
A white guy goes into a plastic surgeon and says, "I want to be a black man." The doctor replies, "Alright, but in order to turn you into a black man, I'm going to have to darken your skin by 70%, reduce your brain mass by 30%, and add 4 inches to your penis." The white guy eagerly agrees to this and goes in for the operation. After the operation, the doctor says to the formerly white guy, "I'm so sorry... there was a mix up in your surgery notes. I ended up darkening your skin by only 30%, reducing your brain mass by 70%, and deducting 4 inches off your penis. Is there any way that you could ever forgive me?" The former white guy replies, "Gracias Senor."
Acne waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face
Your mom can't take an offensive joke.
Because there are targets on every corner.
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
None. They can’t change anything.
Because he couldn't keep his Lilly alive.
Along with 500 passengers and an entire jet
the ride gets more annoying when the kid starts screaming.
...has never seen footage from 9/11.
You can’t pull her hair while you’re raping her
[removed]
According to his parents, he accidentally used the guest shower
Ignored, the attention seeking twat.
His foster family have obviously raised him to be a little prick...
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