Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Educated and free.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

So he walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works.

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” "We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!” “United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.” "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.” "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot.. And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!” "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..” "Oh, really! What'd he say?” He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

A beggar comes to him, “Sir, can you please give me some money?” The rich guy replies, “I don’t have any cash with me, but I have this bottle of scotch whisky.” “Sir, I don’t drink.” “Okay, then take this packet of cigarettes.” “I don’t smoke sir.” “Okay, then how about these gambling chips you can use in that casino.” “I also don’t gamble sir.” “Then how about I introduce you to this nice girl….” “Sir, I have a wife at home who I love very much.” The rich guy fumbles and gets a card from his pocket, “okay, this is my card, come to my home tomorrow and i will introduce you to my wife and then give you as much money as you need.” The beggar is confused, “Why do I need to get introduced to your wife, sir?” “Oh that’s because I wanna show her when a guy does not drink, or smoke, or gamble, or have fun with girls…this is what happens to him!”

She walks into an Internet café to send an e-mail to her mom back home. She doesn’t know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: “Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mom?” "Sure," he says to her, “But it will cost you.” The blonde says, “Sure I’ll do anything for my mom.” “In that case, follow me.” She follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers. “Well go on then, you said you’d do anything!” So she grabs his penis, holds it up to her mouth and says: “Hello… mom are you there?”

Sharing your Netflix account isn’t a victimless crime.

They should both be legal.

They all stroked cause they wanted to be with Carrie.

Optimistic.

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we had sex then and there. I love my new taser.

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

They do it all the time, but get really angry when white people join in.

A Muslim walks into a gay bar in Florida The bartender asks "what will you have?" The Muslim replies "shots for everyone"

On the school bus the little pricks are on the inside.

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kid's real names.

Isaac Newton died a virgin

One's in Playboy, the other's in National Geographic.

Loading the dishwasher

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body