Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

He took one look and said, "It's too late, sir." "Too late?" I frowned. "What do you mean it's too late!!" He said, "My shift finishes in ten minutes."

A blonde girl was watching the news with her friend and the journalist said "4 Brazilian men died in a plane crash" The blonde girl gets all upset, she's crying hysterically and says "how could they allow so many people on the plane"!!!

We were having a beer the other day when he demonstrated his latest work: Stealth technology for his wheelchair. Though it was very impressive, I did feel the need to remind him: "You can hide, but you can't run."

The first one said “My wife is so stupid she spent $3000 on a new kitchen and she can’t even cook!” The second one said “My wife is so dumb she spent $40,000 on a new car and she can’t even drive!” The third friend chuckled and said “that’s nothing, my wife is going on a business trip - she bought 5 condoms and she doesn’t even have a penis!”

The first guy says " I bought my wife a Louis Vuitton handbag and a Prada handbag. If she doesn't like the LV, she can take the Prada one out." The second guy says "i bought my wife a blue Ferrari and a red Ferrari. If she doesn't like the blue one, she can drive the red one." The third guy says "i bought my wife socks and a dildo. If she doesn't like the socks, she can fuck herself."

This guy walks into a bathroom and there's another guy just standing at the urinal. He looks up when the guy enters and with a sigh of relief says " i know this is strange but can you please help me? I promise I'm not being weird. " The second guy is like" wtf? What do you want? The first guy says " I really promise I'm not at all trying to be weird. Can you pull it out for me?" The second guy says "again wtf, are you sure? The first guy says" yes I promise you I'm not being weird " The second guy thinks for a moment and then says " as long as your not being weird " and reaching in pulls out the man's penis which turns out to be all purulent and green . He jumps back and says "what the crazy shit is that?" The first guy says" I don't know, but I'm not touching it."

They both make a noise if you hit them with a stick

He asks the soldier, "Soldier, why is that camel tied to the tent?" The soldier looks awkward and answers: "Er, well Sir, as you know there are no women on the base so er, the camel is there for when the men get certain.... um...urges" The general nods in understanding and says, "Well I don't condone this behaviour, but I suppose I understand" A few weeks into the post, the general starts feelings these urges himself. He calls for the soldier to bring the camel to his tent. He then goes outside, gets a stool, and has wild animal sex with the camel. After he's finished, he climbs confidently off of the stool and sees the soldier staring at him, wide-eyed. "So" the general says with a grin, "Is that how you boys do it here?" The soldier answers, still wide-eyed, "No Sir, we usually just ride the camel into the nearby town where the women are"

They were very excited about the skunky evening in store for them and were talking about it all week. They were both disappointed and entirely amused when Seymour showed up on Saturday with a six pack of Corona beer.

The blind kid feels them and replies “I ain’t reading all that”

Lashley says “You see that fence on the hill over there?” The guy says “yeah”. “Well, I built that fence by hand, one picket next to the next in perfect symmetry”. But you think anyone calls me ‘Lashley the fence maker? No.” The guy shrugs his shoulders. “And you are looking at my fence through a window. I made that window by hand. I built it and installed each pane of glass with putty. But you think anyone calls me ‘Lashley, the window maker? No.” The guy again shrugs his shoulders “And look at the bar we’re now sitting at. I made this bar by hand, and I put a coat of perfect varnish on it so that we can see our faces reflected on it. But you think anyone calls me ‘Lashley, the carpenter? No.” The guy again shrugs his shoulders. Lashley exclaims in sorrow “But you fuck one goat!“

After a man swapped genders from a man to a woman and then back again. In Scotland this has been called re-dick-you-lass.

The department of redundancy department, on the other hand, requires a PIN number.

I was at the grocery store checkout with a large bag of dog biscuits and the clerk asked if I had a dog. I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her no, I was starting The Dog Biscuit Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because although last time I lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital in intensive care. Her eyes about popped out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that they’re nutritionally complete: the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Finally she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I calmly said, "No… I was sitting in the street licking myself when a car hit me."

I’m a Homer sexual

So there’s an extremely successful crab who lives in Dallas, Texas as a movie producer. Now obviously once you get to a certain level in the film industry, your work demands a certain market - in this case, his production company needs him in Hollywood. So him and his white fish wife and crab children pack their bags and head to LA. This is a hard move for him since he is a very conservative crab. His white fish wife, however, likes the new move to LA due to her more left leaning ideology. After some time living in LA and meeting new people and learning a new culture, the white fish wife felt inspired to embrace her true self and start imitating a crab. Communicating this to her crab family wasn’t as inviting as she thought. The husband was upset, fearing it would affect his career and reputation. So upset and no chance of changing his mind, he decided to privately consult with a divorce attorney to plan everything out. He asks the attorney what this would look like if he decided to divorce her and pursue legal action. His attorney said, “Look, this isn’t Texas. Divorce laws are different here and not in your favor. If you divorce her, she’d end up with everything. She would be rolling in it. The crab says “So you’re telling me, if I California Su-shi roll?”

In this economy?

Mitosis.

The first three nails are free.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"

I mean, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Theatre. The audience is impatiently waiting for the premiere to begin. The lights go out. Silence. A minute later a man comes out on stage with a candle in his hand and a stool, puts the stool down, sets the candle on it, and starts masturbating. Two minutes later a voice from the last row breaks the silence: "Somebody please stop this!" The man grabs the candle, waves it: "Who's there?!"

I ask him if he's ok, and he replies inbetween his groans. "Nah I'm good don't worry" Me personally, I think he's full of shit.

Un deux trois cats sank.

“Oh goody!!! a chew chew train”

A Chinese peasant, some centuries ago, happened upon a man he knew who was wearing a *cangue* \-- a large wooden collar put on criminals which, among other things, meant they could not bring their hands to their faces and so were dependent on the mercy of strangers to allow them to eat and drink until their sentence was over. "Li!" he exclaimed. "Why have the judges put a *cangue* upon you?" "Oh," said Li, "because I picked up a piece of old rope in the street and walked off with it." "But surely they have not put you in the *cangue* simply for taking away an old piece of rope?" the peasant asked. "As to that," Li admitted, "it happened that there was an ox on the other end of the rope."

she went on Jeopardy because she thought the Daily Doubles were cheeseburgers.

because typically you only have to put up with a dog for fifteen years.

"Don't shoot, comrades!"

What does it matter if it's a cute liver failure or an ugly one? Just fix it!