justinloler 8 year.agoMy favorite joke: Everyone Knows DaveDave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
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I have good news and bad noose
Because it’s Kneady, but honestly it just loafs you so much.
He sits next to the beaver and notices it looks upset. So he asks it what was wrong. The beaver said it lost it's job that day. And the guy exclaims "Oh damn!". And the beaver says "How did you know?!"
The barber asks, "Got any vacation plans"? The customer replies, "The wife and I are going to Italy." "Ahh bullshit," the barber barks. "Italy is overrated, why do you want to go anyway? I went and it's terrible. The food is awful, the Romanesque architecture is old and dirty, the people are rude and aloof, the weather is hot and rainy, and when I tried to see the pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Square." The customer is surprised by the barber's visceral reaction, and sheepishly states that he already bought the tickets so he has to go. A couple of months later, and the customer is back in the barber's chair. "Aren't you the guy who went to that crappy country Italy?" "Yeah, we went and had a great time. The food was better than I imagined, the Romanesque architecture was breathtaking and awe-inspiring, the people were polite and friendly, the weather was beautiful and sunny, and when we went to see the Pope I could barely make out the top of his head through the millions of people in St Peter's Sq. Gradually, the sea of people parted as if by magic and I could see the pope walking toward me with his gold scepter. When he got close enough to me to be heard I dropped to one knee and he said, "Who gave you that awful haircut."
So he went to watch a video on how to overcome shyness and talk to girls. In the video, the coach made a demo where he approched a girl and asked her to guess a number from 1 to 9. The girl said 4, so the coach smiled and replied that the number she picked was the right one and that he can give her a kiss as a gift. So the shy person went to apply what he learned, he approached a girl asked her to guess a number and when she answered 5 he was very disappointed.
I told him it’s the only way I win arguments. He said, “What do you mean *you* win?” Now we both have to see a therapist.
They made it back.
A neuroscientist is giving a TED Talk on the nature of addiction. He says, “We’ve discovered the brain forms stronger reward loops from novelty and unpredictability than from the act itself. It’s why people become addicted to gambling, social media… even love.” A voice from the crowd yells, “And anal?” The neuroscientist pauses. Takes a slow sip of water. Then says, “Especially if you didn’t expect to like it.”
As he was pouring my next beer, I told him “I have a tip for you that will let you sell 25% more beer.” His eyes lit up with interest so I gave him my advice: “Just fill the glasses up to the full line.”
"You should put up heavier curtains in your bedroom," one man says. "I could see you making love to your wife last night." "That shows how good your eyesight is," says the other with a laugh. "I wasn't even home last night!"
Turns out I was too drunk to drive the bus as well.
A milk-white Eastern dude headed West for the good of his health, and invested in a saloon. The seller advised him that folks thereabouts were mostly friendly, but if ever he heard that Big John was a-coming to town, he should light out of there real quick. So one day our dude is tending bar when the batwing doors burst open and a panicky looking townsman yells "Big John's a-coming!". Moments later the bar is deserted, the batwing doors flapping back and forth, a dart in mid-flight settles in the board, the piano dies away to silence, and the wheel o'fortune is still spinning down in the corner, and the dude is just picking himself up off the floor. Then he hears a thunder of hooves and before he can do anything, a giant of a man rides up on a buffalo, dismounts, punches the buffalo between the eyes and snarls "Stay there!" and tosses the rattlesnake he was using as a whip into a corner of the bar-room as he barges up to the bar. "Gimme a beer!" he barks, and the dude complies straight away, and slides a whisky chaser next to it without being asked. The giant slams both of them down in two gulps, and the dude nervously asks if he wouldn't like another one. "Are you kidding?" roars the giant. "I'm a-gettin' outta here! Don't you know Big John's a-coming?"
Look Ma! It's shooting Starlettes!
With the pizza, you can eat the crust.
He approaches and sees a woman with no arms and legs laying on a towel. “Is everything okay?” He asks “No” she says “because I have no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed” The man looks around to be sure no one is looking and then leans down and gives the woman a kiss. “Oh thank you so much!” She exclaimed. The man jogged along, happy he could help the woman. The very next day the man is jogging along the beach and again hears a woman crying. As he approaches he sees the same woman and again asks what’s wrong. “Well, as you can see I have no arms or legs and therefore have never been fucked” she says. The man looks around nervously to be sure nobody is looking, quickly picks the woman up and tosses her into the ocean and yells: “There! Now you’re fucked!”
What do you call a flying horse with a prosthetic leg? A peg-legasus
One from his mama.
We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
I said "Cause there is a City Wide Fire Ban
Not the right kind of apple watch apparently. I'm there to always disappoint.
Because he was hoping for a panter or a moaner
It's cool, until you whip it out and start shoving it other people's faces.
Among the more famous mathemeticians in history, like Descartes, or Newton, Liebnitz, or Fibonnacci, there as a fellow who is somwhat less well known named DeHorst. . Helmholt DeHorst lived in the early 1500's. Like his contemporary René Descartes, he prseneted many papers at the Royal Society. One of his special interests was charts and graphs, but his rival René beat him to it with his Cartesian system of coordinates. This is why math historians always put Descartes before DeHorst.
He's always looking into my Is
The poor Ottomans Once mighty, ultimately, A place for de feet
Mashin' Impossible.
The kind one hit 10 times, and the evil one hit 2 times. Because good always triumphs over evil.
And the actors pipe up and say ‘we are forming Equity because we need people to speak for us’ The singers and musicians overhear them and say ‘Ah well in that case we want an International Federation of Musicians, because we are the ones who need people to speak for us’ This catches the attention of the writers who say ‘Well if you two get people who speak for you then we want a screenwriters guild’ And then the ventriloquist says ‘we’ll be fine’
so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Fet-ish, for sure
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