Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “OK.” I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “OK.” I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “OK.” This is how politics works.

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?” "We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!” “United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.” "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.” "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot.. And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!” "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.” "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..” "Oh, really! What'd he say?” He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

A beggar comes to him, “Sir, can you please give me some money?” The rich guy replies, “I don’t have any cash with me, but I have this bottle of scotch whisky.” “Sir, I don’t drink.” “Okay, then take this packet of cigarettes.” “I don’t smoke sir.” “Okay, then how about these gambling chips you can use in that casino.” “I also don’t gamble sir.” “Then how about I introduce you to this nice girl….” “Sir, I have a wife at home who I love very much.” The rich guy fumbles and gets a card from his pocket, “okay, this is my card, come to my home tomorrow and i will introduce you to my wife and then give you as much money as you need.” The beggar is confused, “Why do I need to get introduced to your wife, sir?” “Oh that’s because I wanna show her when a guy does not drink, or smoke, or gamble, or have fun with girls…this is what happens to him!”

She walks into an Internet café to send an e-mail to her mom back home. She doesn’t know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: “Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mom?” "Sure," he says to her, “But it will cost you.” The blonde says, “Sure I’ll do anything for my mom.” “In that case, follow me.” She follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers. “Well go on then, you said you’d do anything!” So she grabs his penis, holds it up to her mouth and says: “Hello… mom are you there?”

Sharing your Netflix account isn’t a victimless crime.

They should both be legal.

They all stroked cause they wanted to be with Carrie.

Optimistic.

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we had sex then and there. I love my new taser.

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

They do it all the time, but get really angry when white people join in.

A Muslim walks into a gay bar in Florida The bartender asks "what will you have?" The Muslim replies "shots for everyone"

On the school bus the little pricks are on the inside.

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kid's real names.

Isaac Newton died a virgin

One's in Playboy, the other's in National Geographic.

Loading the dishwasher

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

Neighbor.

Because they would never get returned

Behind a badge.   Edit: Ladies and gentlemen, [I have been ripped off.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pgvct/where_do_you_hide_after_a_murder/) I shall be gracious and not pursue legal action even though [Nigga stole my yoshi.](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/930873/nigga-stole-my-yoshi-o.gif) edit2: some of the comments in that thread are fantastic

Because i don’t like to meet parents

The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”

Oh shit this isn't Google...