Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

"Cancun. But I'm a little worried." "How come?" "Well, the last two vacations, my wife has ended up pregnant. Last year it was Las Vegas, and she got pregnant. The year before that it was Miami, and sure enough, she got pregnant." "Wow! You'd better take precautions this time!" "I'm planning on it. For starters, I'm taking her with me this year."

so seven asked the person if he had any final desires. the person stayed quiet for a while, and then said that he always wanted to take a trip to the beach. So seven worked hard and saved up money for the trip, after multiple jobs and 2-3 weeks of overtime he finally collected the money and tickets. They went to the beach, booked a resort, had as much as fun as they could. But as the sun was about to set, the person suddenly fell and coughed up blood. Seven came close and was crying and screaming for help, when the person with his dying breath said "This was my final fantasy, seven"

At least Toilet's Paper has more Shitation

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Things get really heated until Geppetto says "I ought to just turn you into a Venetian blind!" And Pinocchio replies "Oh the thought of it makes me shutter!"

A man, about 80, goes to his doctor for a checkup because he is planning to get married. After congratulations and a clean bill of health, the doctor asks about his fiancée. The old man shows him a photo of a very beautiful, mid-twenties young lady. Thinking his patient might not be able to keep up with the physical stress of married life, he says, "I think you should consider getting a paying guest to keep your wife company while you have your regular naps." The patient agrees. Months later, the doctor bumps into the old man and asks, "How is married life?" The patient says, "Congratulate me, doctor. My wife is pregnant." The doctor congratulates him, and asks, "And did you take my advice about the paying guest?" "I certainly did, doctor. Thank you for that advice." "I see it worked out then," said the doctor, trying hard to hide his smile. "Oh yes, it did. She's pregnant too."

*FORE*fathers!

I live next to an old man who clearly has advanced dementia. Every morning when I leave for work he asks me if I've seen his wife, and I have to tell him she died ten years ago. My girlfriend says why don't you just move away so you don't have to go through this every morning? I tell her I would miss the smile he gives me every morning when he hears it.

The frog goes up to the teller and see's the nametag on the counter says Whack. Frog: "Hi Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan". Teller: "Sure we can do that, just need to know a few things, first what's your name?" Frog: "Kermit" Teller: "You're not Kermit the frog" Frog: "No, I get that a lot. I'm named after him, but my name is Kermit Jagger, Mick Jagger is my dad, and my mom is Kermit's cousin." Teller: "What collateral do you have?" The frog pulls out a small porcelain elephant and hand it to her. Teller: "I don't know about this, I'll have to check with the bank manager" The teller goes to the bank managers office and knocks on the door. Manager: "Yes Patty" Teller: "I've got this From, Kermit Jagger who is looking to get a loan, and he says he can use this for collateral. Any idea what it is and if we can use it?" Manager: "Let me see this. Ahh yes. This is a nick knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone"

It will still look exactly the same.

**FOUR!!!**

he knew that the risk of being in a plane where someone had a bomb was very very small, but the chance of two persons independent of each other carrying bombs, that would be infinite low.

which is technically the least. It isn't really helpful though, since I can only tell if it is on or off.

Bow.

The man says: "First, I'd like to open my bank account, and see there 10 million dollars. Second, I'd like to walk up to my garage, and see a brand new Bughatti Mistral. Third, I'd like to reach my doorstep, and see a beautiful wife greeting me." "Granted," says the genie. "Although I'm quite perplexed why you chose to spend all three wishes on the same thing." With these words, the genie handed the man a VR headset.

It was thought the text was originally about milk, but then someone accidentally left it sitting in the sun

...as Scousers tell people they're going to have an Easter Egg Hunt this weekend.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?"

Anyway my dentist told me my enamel has a great hold.

...so I went home.

It was a moo-sician. Played a horn, sometimes an udder instrument. Wanted to join Baker in Cream.

USB.

>!He had hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!< >!But he contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!< >!So he had to have a very long word with his manager!<

Our boss, who art a heathen, Broken be thy name. Thy receiver come, thy ruin be done, From Perth as far as Devon. Give us till then our daily wage And forgive us our strikes As we forgive those who blackleg against us. For thine is the Greek island, The Rolls and the mistress, Paid for by the sweat of Our men.

"Yes, all the others were 9s and 10s.”

Because they’ve lost their queen Why can’t Americans play chess? Because they lost their 2 towers.

That's when I yelled out Oh Fuck!

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car...

It's not his fault her tits block the view.

A man was driving along a narrow, dark and winding road when his car stuttered, shuddered and hiccuped, so he brought it to a halt. Not knowing much about engines, he opened the bonnet and looked at it helplessly, praying for inspiration or a good Samaritan. Suddenly, out of the gloom, a voice said, "Check the spark plugs." He looked around, but all he could see was a white horse. A little panicking, he still looked at the engine but did nothing. He heard it again, "Check the spark plugs." This time, with thundering heart, he did look at the spark plugs and noticed that a couple of the connectors appeared to have worked loose. He quickly pressed them back in, restarted the car, and gratified to hear the engine purr, he hightailed it out of there. A mile or so later, he saw a building with a sign that said it was a pub. He pulled up, went in and asked for a double brandy which he gulped down. The barman asked why he was so upset, and the man recounted his saga. When he mentioned the voice and only a horse in sight, the barman asked, "Was it a white horse?" "Why, yes, yes, it was. What do you know about it?" The barman replied,"You're very lucky. There is a black horse in the same field, knows nothing about cars."