timetofeedthemonster 6 year.agoA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Neither have eye
Fill it with spring water
Stand Banh Mi
It's cold and muddy, there are rats everywhere, shells are exploding all around. It's been three days without sleep, a week without a warm meal, and the rest of their squad mates are lying dead. One conscript turns to the other, and says, "look at the bright side, at least it's not the horrible COVID years when we were forced to sit in our warm apartments and watch TV all day!"
A sparrow was once flying up north and due to the cold winds it froze up and fell to the ground. It lay there wondering if that's how it was going to die. But then a passing by cow unknowingly crapped on the sparrow. The warm dung helped the sparrow get better and in happiness it started singing. Meanwhile,a nearby cat heard the chirping and went to the spot. It cleared the sparrow out of the crap and ate the poor bird. Moral u may ask? Just because someone shat on you doesn't mean it is bad and just because someone helped u get out of shit doesn't mean their intention was good. And more importantly, no matter what good thing happens to you....u shud keep ur fucking mouth shut!
But when I bring nine guys named Jesus into town, I get charged with alien smuggling.
Son: Dad, I've been thinking for a while now. How did you get Mom as your wife? Dad: Simple son. You know I'm a very religious guy. I go to the church every week. When I was younger, I would regularly donate a dollar every week, with a silent prayer to get a beautiful, understanding, and loving wife. Son: Figures. That's what you get for a dollar a week.
I've been told by many professionals that I should quit cold turkey. I don't even eat it often though? What does this have to do with my substance abuse?
She is the ether bunny.
The bartender says, "What can I get for you?" Logician 1 says, "I don't know." Logician 2 says, "I don't know either." Logician 1 says, "I'll have beer, please."
He fucked his secretary Edit:spelling
A guy goes to a bookstore and asks if they have a copy of Les Miserables. The store clerk says: try looking in the self-help section.
The first man says, "Wow, I'd like a piece of that!" The second man says, "Me too!" The third man says, "Me three!" The cat says, "Me ow!"
Food was good but the mood was horrible. It had no atmosphere.
If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed
Van Gogh
Angus Dei
Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. "I didn't notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!" The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly and replied somewhat flirtatiously, "Well, it’s because my testosterone focused on other parts of my body, if you know what I mean..." giving the woman a cheeky wink as he finished speaking. The woman, rather impressed and turned on by his smooth response slides across closer to the man and puts her hand on his thigh, at which point the guy continued, "Yeah, I have a really hairy back."
Her: Did you bring protection? Him: Why? Is there a burglar inside? Don’t worry, I know karate. Her: No, like a condom Him (gives a weird look): You want me to fuck him??
They have NOT forgotten.
Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Me:"Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money." Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."
I wonder who the denominator of the two is.
Because it was wearing high-heels
A boorish man gave his order to the waitress. "I'm going to start off with a half a dozen oysters on the half shell. You know what they say about oysters, don't you, honey?" he asked as he winked at the woman. "They make you sexy." The waitress stared at him straight-faced and inquired, "Won't you need more than six, sir?"
Virgin Mobile
I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”. She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.
It was an act of sensei less violence.
Nobel Prize
Someone exclaimed "He is rizzin'!"
.... who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."
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