Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

They didn't planet that way.

A Pastor is at home when one of his mates drops by and invites him out to go out and do some hunting. The Pastor tells his mate, “I’m not real sure about that idea - the only place we can hunt around here is up at Old Joe’s, and he absolutely hates me.” Despite the misgivings, the Pastor’s mate manages to convince him to at least give it a go, and they pull up at Old Joe’s place. The Pastor says, “I don’t want Joe thinking I’m riding on your coat tails, so I’ll go up and ask him myself, and if he says no, then so be it” His mate agrees and waits nervously in the car while the Pastor goes up to the door. When Old Joe answers, he greets the Pastor really warmly. He says, “Pastor, I’ve been meaning to thank you - my wife came home a new woman after your sermon last Sunday, she’s stopped nagging, and she’s been really civil to me, the transformation has been absolutely incredible. Is there any way I can thank you?” The Pastor is quite taken aback by this unexpected welcome, but explains that they came in the hopes of being able to do some shooting on the property. Old Joe willingly agrees, then pauses for a second, and asks, “Hey Pastor, since you’re here, and you’ve got your rifle, could you do me a big favour? ‘Bessy’, my oldest cow that I’ve had almost forever, is really on her last legs - the vet told me I should put her down, but she’s won me so many prizes over the years. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do you think you could do it for me?” Taken aback by the welcome, he willingly agrees. As he’s walking back toward the car, he sees his mate watching him anxiously through the windscreen, and realises his mate hasn’t heard any of the conversation. The Pastor decides to play a bit of a prank on his mate. He throws the car door open, jumps in, grabs his rifle, and says, “That cantankerous old so and so - he just called me every name under the sun - he used theological words in combinations I’ve never heard, but I’ll get him back - that’s ‘Bessy’ his prize-winning cow over there, but Watch this !!” Then aiming his rifle out the window, takes careful aim, and drops old Bessy dead. Before the Pastor can turn back toward his mate to see his reaction, there’s a second almighty bang, and his mate says, “And I just got the old bastard’s prize bull, let’s get out of here!!”

It was out in bumfuck nowhere.

An arm and a leg.

He's such a ruffer necker

A roofer employed a young lady as assistant on a trial basis. On her first day, he took her to a job site and told her to stay down while he worked on the roof. Her job was to be sending up whichever tool he needed in a basket that he would haul up by rope. All was going well and various tools were sent up from time to time and collected when the roofer sent them back down. All communication was by signing for whatever the roofer needed as he was too high up for his voice to carry. The roofer then needed a saw, and he made a sawing motion. The girl responded with a shake of the head. The roofer made the sawing motion again. This time, the girl pointed to him, to her left breast and then to her bottom. After a couple of these exchanges, the roofer made violent sawing motions, showing his anger. This time too, the girl pointed to him, to her left breast and to her bottom again. Angry and frustrated, the roofer came all the way down and berated her, "What's the matter? Can't you follow a simple instruction?" The girl replied, "What's wrong with you, being angry at me like that from all the way up there?" The roofer said, "I was signing that I wanted the saw and you wouldn't send it up." The girl said, "And I was signing that you left it behind."

There was just something missing

Usually it is all cheerful banter. Today however, 3 priests have a different opinion on a thorny theological issue than the 4th one who is convinced he is right. He shakes his head and says, “Dear God, please give a sign that I am right.” A pile of leaves next to the path suddenly lifts up, hovers for a few seconds, and gently floats down. “See! God gave me a sign!” The other jesuits shake their heads, one says, “come on it is just the wind.” The 4th priest now begs, “please God, give another sign that I was right”. Suddenly, from the sunny blue sky, a ball lighting drops down and incinerates 3 nearby trees in a flash. “See! God even shows that you 3 are wrong!” One of the 3 jesuits now says, “Just a peculiar atmospheric disturbance caused by static electricity on this dry hot day.” Exasperated, the 4th priest cries out “Dear God, can you please help me a last time to convince them?!” A sonorous baritone voice booms from the sky, “HE IS RIGHT !!!” The 3 priests look at each other and one mutters, “Well, it is still 3 against 2.”

dyslexic snake

It depends on the brand of vacuum.

The doctor said, “I also do circumcision. I think I can use the foreskin to make eyelids!” The surgery is a success. They bring the baby in and the dad holds him up to take a look. He says, “It looks good, just a little cockeyed”

The frat boy and the pirate see the cow and begin to question each other on what to do with it. This devolves into an argument, where they ask who each other works for. The cow then lets out a long moo. Both fall silent before exclaiming, "How did it know?!"

The Catholic one, because of all the potpourrie.

He had a few hours to kill.

Yahoo!

He looks just like Jon Hamm.

Just one, but you’d better have a high ceiling.

He left one of the funniest ones I’ve ever seen on his last day of work. Later I found out he wasn’t actually a dad which was kind of funny I guess.

I will make it to the car soon

followed by Batman.

Mother: Yanny! Laurel: Yeah?

He got the sack.

The fact that I don't finish my sentences and

She assumes it’s from the upstairs neighbour’s balcony so she knocks on his door to let him know. “What was written on it?” The man asks. “Out” She replies. “So ‘Chill’ must still be on the balcony” says the man. Next day the same happens. She finds a slipper, knocks on the neighbour’s door. “What’s written on it?” He asks. “Off” she says. “So ‘Fuck’ must still be on the balcony” Next day the same happens, annoyed she decides to act like she doesn’t know what was written on the slipper. She knocks on the door. “What’s written on it?” The neighbour asks. “I don’t know” she replies. “So ‘I got crows out my window Dogs at my door I don't think I can take anymore What am I doing wrong?’ must still be on the balcony”.

I’d name him Synonym.

So he gives it to her

are shocked to learn that they should not do their own electrical work.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going. She replied: “I’m going to Las Vegas”. He questioned her as to why. “I just found out that I can make $500 a night doing what I give you for free”. He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch. “And just where do you think you’re going?” “I’m going with you!” he replied. “Why?” she asked. “I want to see how you are going to live on $1,000 a year!”

VivALDI’s

Bacteria