Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box! The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box! The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy. "Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun. "Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in. "Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more. "Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "Oh, that's a hard one..." The gates swing open.

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

“You herd me.”

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. “You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man. "Go ahead", answered the nun. Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?" After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: "thank you so much! I don't want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs." The nun responded: "should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don't want to go to Afghanistan!"

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Oof

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax. While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off." Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." "You are the lawyer," says the policeman. "Exactly, so where's my present?"

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish." Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man." God:"Why the Swedish man?" Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.” His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size. That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife. He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" the father answered. "Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

Still under investigation. ​ ​ ​ Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up. Edit 2: For those claiming it's "too soon"... I respectfully disagree, I think this is the perfect time. The pain won't ever go away for those families - there will never be a time when they'll think "Sure, it's been long enough - go ahead and laugh about it." However, the anger and shock felt by the general public will begin to fade as other news stories and other tragedies steal our attention. Better to elicit stronger emotions now and hopefully, in a tiny imperceptible way, increase the likelihood of meaningful change.

Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot... Cows go moo!

Fat. You get fat. ​ You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day? ​

But when it happens no one is shocked.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

They were having a mid-life crisis. Edit: thank you to the kind soul that gifted me gold!

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

Dear Sir or Madam, Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation. ​ Sincerely, ​ The Internet Provider

That priest is in prison now.

Brothel sprouts Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!