Talk of the town was that the nut screws and bolts.

Honey I'm home!

Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

but i still can't get used to her having one

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

You're not supposed to lick batteries, but you do it anyway!

 from a double glazing company phoned a man’s home one evening. “Hello, sir, this is Superseal Double Glazing,” he began. “I was just wondering if you might be interested in—” “Hold it right there,” said the homeowner. “Before you start your sales pitch, can I ask you a question?” “Uh, okay.” “What has a one-inch dick and hangs down?” “I don’t know,” said the salesman. “A bat. And what has a seven-inch dick and hangs up?” Then he put the phone down before the salesman could answer

The conversation turns to their husbands. The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic cruise to the Caribbean for two weeks." The second boasts, "My husband just bought me a brand new Ferrari." The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have much money or many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that 10 budgerigars can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first woman looks ashamed. "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was only trying to impress you. You know that two week vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the Caribbean, but to my parents' house for one weekend." The second woman says, "Oh, ladies, I'm just as bad. It's not a Ferrari he bought me, but an old, beat-up Honda." "I also have a confession to make," said the third woman, "The tenth budgie has to stand on one leg."

A retrobate.