Joker King - find funny jokes from here.

But when I bring nine guys named Jesus into town, I get charged with alien smuggling.

Son: Dad, I've been thinking for a while now. How did you get Mom as your wife? Dad: Simple son. You know I'm a very religious guy. I go to the church every week. When I was younger, I would regularly donate a dollar every week, with a silent prayer to get a beautiful, understanding, and loving wife. Son: Figures. That's what you get for a dollar a week.

I've been told by many professionals that I should quit cold turkey. I don't even eat it often though? What does this have to do with my substance abuse?

She is the ether bunny.

The bartender says, "What can I get for you?" Logician 1 says, "I don't know." Logician 2 says, "I don't know either." Logician 1 says, "I'll have beer, please."

He fucked his secretary Edit:spelling

A guy goes to a bookstore and asks if they have a copy of Les Miserables. The store clerk says: try looking in the self-help section.

The first man says, "Wow, I'd like a piece of that!" The second man says, "Me too!" The third man says, "Me three!" The cat says, "Me ow!"

Food was good but the mood was horrible. It had no atmosphere.

If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed

Van Gogh

Angus Dei

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. "I didn't notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!" The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly and replied somewhat flirtatiously, "Well, it’s because my testosterone focused on other parts of my body, if you know what I mean..." giving the woman a cheeky wink as he finished speaking. The woman, rather impressed and turned on by his smooth response slides across closer to the man and puts her hand on his thigh, at which point the guy continued, "Yeah, I have a really hairy back."

Her: Did you bring protection? Him: Why? Is there a burglar inside? Don’t worry, I know karate. Her: No, like a condom Him (gives a weird look): You want me to fuck him??

They have NOT forgotten.

Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Me:"Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money." Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

I wonder who the denominator of the two is.

Because it was wearing high-heels

A boorish man gave his order to the waitress. "I'm going to start off with a half a dozen oysters on the half shell. You know what they say about oysters, don't you, honey?" he asked as he winked at the woman. "They make you sexy." The waitress stared at him straight-faced and inquired, "Won't you need more than six, sir?"

Virgin Mobile

I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”. She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.

It was an act of sensei less violence.

Nobel Prize

Someone exclaimed "He is rizzin'!"

.... who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

I wondered why they were doing that. Then It hit me.

Alex, Brian, Charles are best friends since they were kids, work together under the same company. They got sent to the neighbor country to negotiate some offer. They slept that night at a random hotel. The next thing they realized in the morning was the elevator are typically not working as they got cut off the electricity. The hotel they are staying has 90 floors. The fellas didn't have a choice and decided to use their feet to start walking down the stairs. Alex suggest a brilliant idea to the other two. "The first 30 floors, I will be telling a funniest story. Brian will be telling a scariest story for another 30 floors. Charles will be telling the saddest story. Alex started telling the funniest story for the first 30 floors. Brian took turn talking the scariest stories for the another 30 floors. When it is finally the turn for the Charles, he proudly started telling his saddest. Charles: 3 people went into a hotel that has 90 floors, the hotel's electricity got cut off but they have to got to work, they used stairs Alex: Wait, isn't that..? Brian: Nah, let him finish Charles: so they finally manged to land their feet on 1st floor, and >!one of the three forgot the car keys on the tables. !<

But none of them work.

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Raleigh." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Raleigh man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Raleigh in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Raleigh man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Raleigh in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Raleigh in August." Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Raleigh man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Raleigh man replies..... "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!" "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!"