When I finish confessing my sins, I take a feather and tickle my nose so that I sneeze. And right after the priest says “God bless you” - I storm out of the church…

Once, back in medieval Great Britain, there lived a Jew who did a great favor for the King. What kind of favor? Doesn't matter, really. What matters is that the King was incredibly grateful. So one day, the Jew woke up to a knock at his front door. When he answered the door, the King's Chief of Staff was there. "Good morning!" the CoS said. "To show his gratitude for the favor you did for him, the King has chosen to make you one of his knights. Congratulations!" "Uh, thanks." said the Jew, still groggy from having just woken up. "What do I have to do?" "Just come to the palace at the first of next month. That's when we do all our knighting ceremonies. Just be there by 9:00 a.m. sharp. See you then!" On the first of the next month, the Jew goes to the palace, making sure to arrive by 9:00 a.m. sharp, and is escorted to a room with a bunch of other knights-to-be. The Chief of Staff comes in, and closes the door behind him. "Good, now that we're all here, we can get started. Let me explain to you how the ceremony is going to work. One at a time, you'll be led in front of the King's throne. Kneel and recite a long Latin sentence, which I will teach you. Then the King will tap you on each shoulder with the flat of his sword. When you stand up again, you'll be a knight. Any questions?" There were none. "Good. Now let me teach you that Latin phrase. Repeat after me." The Chief of Staff then recites a long Latin phrase, which the men dutifully repeat. He then says the phrase again, and has the men repeat it again. He does this over and over until he is sure they all have it memorized. Then he leads them to the throne room. The wannabe knights are lined up, and purely by coincidence the Jew is last in line. One by one, the men are led in front of the throne, kneel, recite the Latin phrase, are dubbed, then rise and exit the throne room. After every man is knighted, it's finally the Jew's turn. As he walks up to the throne, he realizes that in all the excitement, the Latin phrase has slipped right out of his brain. He can't remember a word of it. He kneels and thinks as hard as he can, trying to remember. The King is looking at him expectantly. Finally, the Jew panics and says the first sentence in a foreign language that comes to mind. "*Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?*" Puzzled, the King turns to look at his Chief of Staff. "Why is this knight different from all other knights?" Spoiler for the *goyim*: >!*Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot?* Is Hebrew for "Why is this night different from all other nights?" and is the preamble to the Four Questions we traditionally ask and answer at Passover, which is now.!<

Suddenly they see robbers coming towards them. The father is afraid that they will take the jewels and the camel, but the daughter says to him: Daughter: -Daddy, let me hide the jewels where only a woman can hide them. So she hid the jewels, and the robbers took the camel and left. The father is walking on with a sad face, and the daughter asks him: Daughter: -Daddy, why are you so sad? We saved the jewels, didn't we? Father: -Oh, my dear daughter, if your mother were here, we would have saved the camel too.

Q: How many Irish Catholic Mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ahhh, don't you worry about that son, you just go out with your fancy women while I sit here home alone in the dark.

"This is a helluva way to spend Easter."

But next weekend he's going to get hammered.

After a few months, the son returns and says, "Dad, I’ve become a Christian." Shocked, the father confides in his friend, who listens and then sighs, "That’s strange… I sent my son to Israel last year, and he also came back a Christian!" Baffled, they decide to visit their Rabbi for guidance. After hearing their stories, the Rabbi strokes his beard and says, "This is unbelievable… My son also went to Israel—and he too came back a Christian!" Now completely bewildered, they agree there’s only one place left to turn. Together, they pray: "Oh God, what is happening? We send our sons to Israel to strengthen their Judaism, and they all return as Christians!" A deep voice rumbles from the heavens: "Tell me about it..."

[translated from Yiddish] The Rabbi frowns at him. "So it's a new name you want, is it? Why? What's wrong with the name your mother and father gave you? The name you had when you were given your *bris*? The name you had when you became a *bar mitzvah*? The name you had when you stood under the *chuppa* and married your wife? Why do you want to change this? What *is* your name, anyway?" "Adolf Cumguzzler." The Rabbi recoils in horror. "Oy! Such a name, such a terrible, terrible name! I don't blame you for wanting to change it. If I had that name, I'd want to change it myself. So what do you want to change it *to*?" "*Franz* Cumguzzler." (Told to me by my grandfather, a German Jew who fled Germany for the United States literally days before this would have become impossible.)

Give his son the wrong backpack

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks. “I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew. The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.” “I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man. “How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent. “I already speak Russian."