A grandmother looked after 2000 sheep alone in the village. A journalist came to make a report about it and asked the grandmother: \- "Tell us how you manage to look after 2000 sheep by yourself?" Grandma: \- "Well, I've been doing that all my life, I'm used to it." Journalist: \- "And how much does one sheep weigh?" Grandma: \- "Black or white?" Journalist: \- "Well, let's say white." Grandma: \- "30 kg." Journalist: \- "And black?" Grandma: \- "Well, the same." Journalist: \- "Okay, and how much milk does one sheep give?" Grandma: \- "Black or white?" Journalist: \- "Well, let's say white." \- "so 2 liters." \- "And black?" \- "Well, the same." \- "Okay, and how much wool from one sheep?" \- "Black or white?" \- "Let's say black." \- "3 kg." \- "And white?" \- "Well, the same." The journalist grows mad, realizing the grandma is messing with her. Journalist: \- "Well, what's the difference between black and white then?" Grandma: \- "Well, the white ones are mine." Journalist: \- "And the black ones?" Grandma: \- "Well, the same."

After a few hours of still water, Bob cracks open a beer. Timmy says: "Hey Dad, since Mom's not here, can I have one?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Bob retorts. "No," Timmy answers, confused. "Then you can't have one." After a little while, Bob grabs a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. Timmy says: "Dad, I promise Mom will never find out. Can I have one?" Again, Bob retorts "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Frustrated and confused, Timmy says "No." "Then you can't have one." A few more minutes pass, and Bob rips open a bag of chips. Timmy, thinking there's no way his dad would refuse his request for something as harmless as chips, says: "Can I have some chips at least?" To the boy's surprise, Bob again asks: "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Fed up, Timmy proudly proclaims "Yes! Yes it can!" "Then go fuck yourself, these are my chips!"

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

"Is there something I could eat?" "Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00." "Can you also arrange sex worker services?" "Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50." "How about male sex worker?" "We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500." "Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?" "Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100." "Does that mean Brian gets $200?" "Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."

A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain. The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. " The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out. "You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion." "I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. " "I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie. At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper. "Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

He's looking all panicked, sweating bullets. He sits down and says, "Doc, I need help. Every morning I wake up, and for some reason, I think I'm a dog." The doctor leans forward, nods, and says, "That's unusual. How long has this been going on?" The guy says, "Oh, for years now. It's driving me nuts! Every morning, I wake up and I go straight to the back door, scratching at it like I gotta go outside. Then, if someone rings the doorbell, I can't help myself; I just go nuts barking at them! The doctor rubs his chin and says, "Hmm, that is strange. Well, tell me, have you tried anything to fix it?" And the guy says, "Have I tried anything? Oh yeah! I've tried *everything*. Meditation, therapy, hypnosis... Nothing works!" The doctor sighs. "Alright, well, let's start simple. Why don't you lie down on the couch and we'll talk this through?" And the guy shakes his head and says, "Oh, I can' t do that, Doc." The doctor looks confused. "Why not?" And the guy says, "Because... I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Things were going well and while they were eating, Mike said, “After dinner we can look at some of Lisa’s baby videos.” Lisa blushed and said, “Aw dad, don’t do that…”, but he insisted. In the living room, Mike started playing a video and Dan was shocked to see that it was taken in the hospital delivery room. Dan, Lisa, and Sally sat in stunned silence while Mike gave a play-by-play of Lisa’s delivery. After the ordeal, as Dan and Lisa were getting ready to leave, Sally walked over and quietly said, “I’m so sorry for this — I didn’t know that Mike was going to do that.” Dan was starting to mumble a “that’s all right” when Sally continued, “… and I’m so relieved that he didn’t bring out the conception video.”

She asked the boy: “Michael, what is the matter with you these days? Your attitude stinks.” Michael answered: “I’m too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I’m smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too.” In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal’s office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal. He told the teacher that he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly, he would have to return to first grade and behave himself. Michael was then taken to the principal’s office for the test. “What is four times four?” asked the principal. “Sixteen,” answered Michael. “What is eleven minus seven?” said the principal. “Four,” replied Michael instantly. And so it went on. Every third-grade standard question the principal asked, Michael answered. Eventually the principal said to the teacher: “I think Michael can move up to third grade.” “Let me ask him a few questions,” suggested the teacher. “Very well,” agreed the principal. “Okay, Michael,” began the teacher. “What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?” “Legs,” answered Michael. The teacher continued: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal raised his eyebrows. “Pockets,” replied Michael. Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Michael: “Pants.” Teacher: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” Michael: “Bubblegum.” The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow. Teacher: “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?” Michael: “Shake hands.” Teacher: “Now I am going to ask some ‘Who am I’ questions.” Michael: “Okay.” Teacher: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.” Michael: “Tent.” Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.” The principal was growing increasingly nervous. Michael: “Wedding ring.” Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.” Michael: “Nose.” Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” Michael: “Arrow.” Teacher: “And finally. What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and means a lot of excitement?” Michael: “Firetruck.” The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: “Put Michael in third grade. He’s obviously very smart. I got the last nine questions wrong myself.”

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*" The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

A woman goes up to the man working in the produce aisle and says where is your broccoli? The produce man says we’re out of broccoli we will have some in the morning. He goes back to stacking his oranges in the same lady pecks him on the shoulder and says excuse me sir where is the broccoli? He says we are fresh out of broccoli. We will have some in the morning. He moves from the oranges over to the bananas and starts to work with them. The same woman taps him on the shoulder again and says sir can you tell me where the broccoli is? He says how do you spell cat as in catastrophic? She says C-A-T he says okay how do you spell dog As in dogmatic? She says D-O-G. He says okay how do you spell fuck as in broccoli? She says there is no fuck in broccoli. He said exactly lady, that’s what I been trying to tell you.